Why I hate my Macintosh # 2

The Wrong Home Keys

The home key "nubs" are on the middle finger keys of my Mac keyboard, instead of the index finger keys. K and D instead of F and J…. Whose idea of a sick joke is this? Time after time I start typing while I look at the source and my fingers are all in the wrong place. It’s like I’m typing in some kind of nonsense code, that only stubborn antique Mac keyboardists can read. And the worst part is, when I get home, I start putting my middle fingers on the normal home-keys, at which point, I can usually think of much better uses for my middle fingers.


The second in an ongoing series documenting my frustration with having to use a Mac at work. Lovingly dedicated to those sanctimonious folk who have, over the years, looked on me with disdain for not sharing their zeal for Apple products. You know who you are.

The Formula

Back in university, my roommate Jeff and I used to debate the merits of "The Formula." For a long time, I was under the impression that Jeff had conceived of The Formula himself. But in recent years, I have come across The Formula in many places, thus leading me to conclude that, even though Jeff never actually "said" he invented The Formula, he is still a lying bastard.

For those that do not know, "The Formula" is a tool for men, used to determine the youngest acceptable age of women you can date. What you do is take your age, divide it in half, and then add seven. If you’re a mathematically inclined type of person that would be MIN = x/2+7.

If you think about it, it makes sense. When you’re 20, the youngest girl you should date, according to The Formula would be 17, which makes sense, because none of us really want to go to jail. But by the pure genius of The Formula, the gap widens as you grow older, allowing for the fact that age ceases to be as important as you get older. So when you’re 30, your minimum dating age would be 22, and subsequently, 40 would be 27. As for me, at 26, a girl would have to be 20 to make the cut, which, I must admit, makes me feel young and vibrant.

Almost everyone agrees that the formula makes sense. Although, I explained it to one guy recently who did not agree at all, stating that he was almost thirty, and the last girl he had been with was seventeen. I nodded my head and smiled agreeably, while backing away slowly and trying not to make eye contact.

What Jeff and I always debated, was whether The Formula worked in reverse. At that point, without really intending to, I had almost always dated older women (due, I’m sure, to my stunning maturity and intelligence, or perhaps my predeliction for Karaoke single bars). And so we debated whether the reciprocal formula MAX = 2 (x-7) would then apply. By this logic, the oldest woman I should date now would be 38, or perhaps, the youngest guy a 38 year-old woman should date would be me. Although, if you asked any four-year old, they would tell you that I am actually 26 and a half, thus pushing my upper bracket to 39.

But after much debate, and countless cases of beer, the question remains: Does this actually work? In our society, it is still generally more accepted for the man in the relationship to be the elder of the pair. Should The Formula then be modified for women? Or should we consider that truly, love knows no bounds... just ask Ashton, or Catherine Zeta.

I am still undecided. Please feel free to make any formula submissions. Bring your ideas, and a case of beer, to Karachi Pakistan (ask for Dave) and we’ll work it out (careful with the beer at the border though).

And if anyone knows the actual origins of The Formula, let me know, I’m still curious, and Jeff is still a credit-taking bastard.

Oh the Irony...

Another sample from the "Only Funny to Me Files":

I’ve always thought it would be funny if a guy got a clothes iron for his birthday, but had absolutely no idea how to use it. Completely baffled, he digs out the instructions, only to find that they are so wrinkled that he can’t read them without ironing them...

Ironing irony - you really can't beat it.

Haiku Woman #5

Haiku Woman #5

You were just a child,
We laughed away the summer -
You deserved better.

Haiku Woman # 7

Haiku Woman # 7

You slipped from my grasp,
I dove too deeply for dreams:
I have no regrets.

Something to Watch

I woke up this morning feeling a bit better. I'm hoping this is the ending stages of this flu. It's been a pretty rough go over the past couple of weeks. Normally I don't get sick, but when I do, look out. It usually puts me out of action for awhile and this run of it has been great fun, but I'm ready for it to move on. The good thing about being sick though is that I get to catch up on all my useless television watching that I don't normally do. I forgot how much useless shit is actually out there, but I have been watching some quality shows. American Idol has been fantastic so far and Fonzy has made it past another round, so I'm excited about that. Survivor has started up another term as well. I always kind of liked this show anyways, so I'm all geared up for another big season. Still not sure how they can ever top the year with the fat naked gay guy, but I'm glued to it in hopes that they can. I've never really been a fan of sitcoms, other than Seinfeld and Cheers, but I've gotten into Two and a Half Men recently. The one with Charlie Sheen playing the drunken, womanizing musician uncle. He does a good job with it, and the kid is pretty funny. He's quite an accomplished guitar player as well. I saw him playing on Letterman a while back and was quite impressed. This leads us right in to the late night programming. I've been a Letterman fan for quite some time, so it's a given that I'm still watching him. His monologues are genius. I've also become a big fan of Jimmy Kimmel. If you like dick and fart joke comedy, then you'll love this show. So that's a run down of some of my viewing pleasures. Throw in some soccer and hoola dancers and that's pretty much my tv guide.
On a rather lighter note, PM Paul Martin announced that Canada will not be taking part in the U.S.'s missle defense plan. I was quite happy to hear that, as I'm sure many other Canadians are as well. It's safe to say that the American brass are not happy with the decison and will most likely use their best weapon of economic blackmail in retaliation. I'm still not up for a full blown political rant just yet, but for a further read on this issue, check out the link to Ceasfire on the side bar and have a good read. It's a worthy cause. Support it! See you soon.
-Troy-

Why I hate my Macintosh #1

The single button mouse.

What’s with the one button mouse? I love my right click short-cuts. Now what? I have to hold down the button for five seconds while simultaneously pressing the control key? Oh yes, very convenient and user friendly that is. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fan of these fancy-dancy mice (mouses?) these days with three rollers and two buttons for each finger, but come on, you gotta have two. The Mac mouse is very pretty, this is true, but knuckle down and pay Microsoft, or whoever, to let you put another button on that work of art.


The first in an ongoing series documenting my frustration with having to use a Mac at work. Lovingly dedicated to those sanctimonious folk who have, over the years, looked on me with disdain for not sharing their zeal for Apple products. You know who you are.

Random Snippet # 5

His mother always arranged the eggs sunny-side-up in conjunction with the bacon to make a happy face. "There, now you can ‘face’ the day," she would say, as if pigs and chickens were dedicated to the cause of breakfast in caricature.

New Travel Update

I've just posted my latest travel email home over on The Dave's Travels page. Check it out.

Haiku Woman # 1

Haiku Woman # 1

Rolling in the grass
Your braces snagged on my lips:
Life was simple then.

Haiku Woman # 6

Haiku Woman # 6

A moth to the flame -
I only wanted to help
But you destroyed me.

Random Snippet # 4

She was the type of woman who went through men’s hearts like a lioness in a herd of helpless gazelle: quickly, selectively, and the weakest first.

That's our policy...

And in the "Only Funny to ME" category:

Here in Pakistan, there is a huge national insurance company with billboards and banners everywhere proclaiming, in big bold letters, "EFU General - Insurance"

It makes me glad to see that insurance companies are the same all over the world, since the ones at home are also trying to EF - U, in general...

At least here, they're honest and up front about it. When you get screwed over, they turn to you and say, "Didn't you read the sign? EF - U."

Haiku Woman # 9

Haiku Woman #9

Skylines by moonlight,
We sang together briefly:
You thought I was kind.

Random Snippet # 3

Jonathan had a good job. He made a lot of money. He had a good job. His family told him so. Everyone told him so. He had a good job. But then, quite suddenly and unexpectedly on the second Thursday after Thanksgiving, he sneezed. It wasn’t a pleasant, quiet sneeze, it was a loud, almost violent uprising. The entire office stopped to look. Papers scattered over his desk. He shook his head, wiped his nose, and with a sudden clarity, realized that he was the assistant manager of human resources in a huge corporate monstrosity that sold margarine. He sold margarine. Sure, he managed the human growth capital empowerment of the corporate wellness folio for a huge multi-national that sold thousands of products, but really, any way you spread it, he sold margarine. He shook his head again, stood slowly, and waked into the manager’s office.
"uh, Brad?"
"Yeah Jon, quite the sneeze you just had there, scared the shit outta me."
"Yeah, well, uh, about that. I’ve decided to quit."
"Quit sneezing? I mean, I suppose, but can you really do that?"
"No, not sneezing. My job. I want to quit my job." Saying it out loud sent a shiver down his spine.
"What? Why would you do that?"
"I dunno… I sneezed."

Not Really!

When I woke up this morning to a ringing phone, I decided that I was going to respond to every callers questions with a lame ass "Not Really" as much as I could. It sounded like fun at the time. I've been quite sick for the past week and have had absolutely no energy to do anything but lay in my own filth and hollar at the phone every time it rings. Do people not understand that when people are sick it is not polite to bother them with idiot calls? Apparently not because when it seems like I might finally get some sleep, the phone rings once again. Today was no different and I got a little pissy towards the end of it. Here are a few highlights:

My mom called and asked if I was feeling better and if I wanted her to pick anything up for me? I said no, not really to both questions. I thought that was it, but she then went on to tell me how my Sister-in-law has been feeling over the past week. There's a baby on the way and everyone is excited. I'll get excited when I see the final results in May. Thanks for the updates though.

My Dad called and wanted to know if I knew anything about the hydraulic lift on his tractor? Obviously I said not really. He then told me that since I was sitting home doing nothing anyways, that I should research the problem for him and that he'd come by this evening to try and figure it out. It's 7:30pm and I still haven't seen him. The tractor must have quit on the ride over.

My Brother stopped in and wanted to know if I knew why the cd player in his truck was cutting in and out? I said that it was probably a faulty wire connection and gave him a new plug-in to try. He called earlier and said that was the problem and it works great and he was keeping the plug-in.

Cindy from Aliant called and wanted to know if I was happy with my long distance plan? I said not really, but was too tired to go through the motions of changing it. We talked for a bit afterwards to. She hates her job, but it's paying her way through school. She's going to be a nurse. I said good luck and hung up.

Jeff called and wanted to know how the new record was coming? I said good, but nothing has really been done since I've been sick. He then proceeded to call me a whiny bitch and started hitting the numbers on the phone. I heard him laughing so I hung up.

My mom called again asking if I was sleeping? I said not really. She then told me that my sister-in-law was having a hard time tying her shoes. I told her to buy some velcro shoes and hung up.

Trisha from the Alumni Association called and wanted to know if I would be willing to donate $25 for some scholarship program they were starting? She got a huge NO, NOT REALLY! She then asked why? After five minutes of me explaining why I thought people should pay for their own education like I had to do and that I was a poor musician and $25 is my daily liquor bill. She got snarky and said I probably sucked anyways and hung up on me. I laughed. She is right.

Jeff called again and wanted to know how the record was coming? I called him a dumb fuck and told him he already asked me that earlier. He then called me a bitch again and asked when the record would be done? I said he'd know when I knew. We talked about American Idol after that and we're picking the winners. I got Constantine. He's dreamy in the leather coat. I'm going to call him Fonzy from now on. Jeff said Fonzy sucks and that I wouldn't know an American Idol if I hit one with my car. I thought that was a correct assumption and would like to find out for sure. Anyone seen my keys?

Some dude from the bank called and wanted to know if I was satisfied with the customer service there? Once again, I said no, not really. He then asked why? I told him there weren't enough hours in the day to tell him why I thought the service sucked and hung up on him.

Shelly called and wanted to know if I knew where she could buy Christian music books? I told her to try a church. She called me a smart ass and asked if I was feeling better? I said no and went into a coughing fit. She apologized for asking the dumb question. I said it was fine and then asked if she wanted to make out sometime? She said no, not really.

Well, the phone hasn't gone off in awhile, so I'm going to try and lay down. Night.
-Troy-

Absolute Certainty # 6

Chances are, the more you think about how you're dancing, the worse you are dancing.

This is where my old friend Al Cohol comes into play.

Feeling Crabby...

You know what really pisses me off? Ok, I'm a rational, intelligent person, and my mom says I'm special, so I don't like to think that when I was born, and what planet was where and who was in whose house and in conjunction with the shadow of whatever such celestial nonsense, has any effect on who I am today. In short, I have always tried to consider astrology and horoscopes and all the rest a retarded, bullshit science for the weak. But what really pisses me off is that if you read the description of people born in my sign, it's almost exactly like me. I was born on July 11th (7/11, very convenient no?) so I'm a Cancer. Pick up an astrology book, read the first paragraph about Cancerians, and I almost guarantee it fits me to a tee. And what's really irritating, is that you don't even have to find a book by some celestial guru, you could pick up a damn astrology key-chain, and you'd say, "Yep, that's Dave." It's not enough to make me angry, but it'll get me good and passive aggressive (that'll be in there, I assure you).

And while we're on the subject, why does my sign have to also be a terminal disease? Other people get to be Scorpio, which sounds like a cool-assed super hero who fights with the sting of justice. Or there's Sagitarius that sounds all philosophical and wise. Nope, I get Cancer. Why can't there be other terminal disease signs? "What's your sign baby?"... "Lupus" .... "Parkinsons" ... "Syphilis"... Man, I would kill to be Syphilis (although it would probably lose its appeal as a pick up line quickly). If I had been born a couple weeks later I'd get to be a Lion, but no, what do I get? The crab. Wow, that's exciting. Well, I guess it's more interesting than a scale... at least you get to scuttle around a bit, instead of waiting for someone to weigh something, (unless they're weighing crabs, which would be distressing).

Oh well... I'll just sit here being passionate and creative, trying to please everyone all the time, feeling guilty, dwelling on things everyone else has forgotten about, and bottling up my feelings until that passive aggressive fury lashes out uncontrollably.

I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across the floors of silent seas.

And the Oscar goes to...

Here is my Oscar Recipe for Success:

If you are a woman: Make yourself ugly.

If you are a man: Play a character who is handicapped in someway or another.

In this way, we can assume the absolute be all and end all Oscar winner, would be an ugly, transvestite, prostitute murderer with a reverse-nose job, who grew up an autistic, child-prodigy pianist, over pressured by parental forces, and is now obsessive compulsive, blind and says "Who-Ahh!" all the time.

Whip it, whip it good...

Now, I feel like I should explain the much more sombre nature of my extended four day weekend. Perhaps I feel some guilt for attempting to guiltlessly revel in my time off.

Where I work is fairly deep into the city, where the streets are narrow and markets infringe on both sides. Traffic is quite bad, on the best of days. But this weekend is the religious holiday of muharram, and the religious processions make traffic impassable.

Muharram is the first month of the Islamic calendar and a time of celebration of the wonderous feats of Allah for most muslims. However, for the Shi'a branch of muslims, it starts a forty day period of mourning. The tenth day, being the holiday that kept me from work this weekend, is a remembrance of the martyrdom of the grandson of the Prophet Muhammed (may the peace of Allah be upon him). The Shi'ites all get together and perform ritual recitations and prayers and the like. Now, this is a little bit strange, because the mourning period for Islam, as I understand it, is three days. But this ritual mourning has been going on for nigh on 1400 years. Now, where this gets even stranger, is that the men all get together after sunset and inflict wounds on themselves (self-flagellation, if you will, and not the type that makes you go blind). They walk across burning coals and use daggers and whips with spikes on them (picture all those scenes in The Passion that you had to look away from), to lash themselves into a frenzy. There is blood everywhere, and apparently it's a pretty appalling spectacle.

So, of course I had to see it. Just as with the mass sacrifice of goats on Eid, I was morbidly fascinated to see it just the once. But I couldn't find anyone to take me. No dice. (and no slice for that matter). Apparently, it's just as disgusting to most people here as it is to me.

I don't even pretend to understand it, and to tell you the truth, from my perspective, and with all due respect, it seems pretty insane. I guess the idea is that just as the Prophet and his grandson suffered, so should they suffer... I dunno. I'm sure I'll get some emails explaining it all to me. As far as I'm concerned, they can whip themselves until the cows come home... I'll stay home an enjoy my long weekend.

Oh what a feeling...

Tell me if this in not one of the most glorious feelings in the world:

Last night, I was nice and relaxed after having a great long weekend. Friday I had off because of a major religious holiday. So then, out of the blue, I find out that I don't have to work Monday either. A surprise four day weekend! I think it was even better than knowing ahead of time.

Fear and Loathing

A tip of the goofy fishing hat to Hunter S. Thompson, may he rest in peace. I personally hope it's a good trip, not a bad one.

Haiku Woman # 3

Haiku Woman # 3

You looked down on me,
Cruelty was carved in your eyes:
What was wrong with me?

Absolute Certainty # 5

Peeling an orange, all in one go, is one of the most satifying of fruit experiences.

This is why Christmas Clementines are perhaps the perfect fruit. The sweetness of an orange mixed with the pleasant glow of accomplishment.

Haiku Woman # 10

Haiku Woman #10

They warned me of you,
You were a summer's snowfall -
I think I hurt you.

Absolute Certainty # 4

Umberto Eco makes me feel dumb.

In fact, I feel like drafting a letter:

Dear Mr. Eco (eco.. eco... eco...),

I find your ideas compelling; however, there's no need to write like that.

Sincerely,

David J. Ford

Random Snippet #2

He was the type of guy who would walk into the porta-jon at a chilli cook-off for the sole pleasure of yelling, "Fire in the hole!"

Sweet Dreams...

This study in England has found that Men are more likely than Women, to fall asleep directly after having sex. I would file that one under "N" for "No Shit Sherlock." 80% of Men say they feel more relaxed after sex and could easily drift off, compared with 47% of women. Now, I think we have to question the validity of these findings, because, let's face it, these guys are British. The majority of them probably washed down their greasy fish and chips after work with pint after pint of beer. I think what would be just as relevant would be the percentage of guys that fell asleep before sex. Maybe it's amazing that they had sex at all. Maybe we should also look at the number of women who want their guy to fall asleep so they can hurry up and finish the job themselves. The "Sex Scientists" (how do you get that job?) say that there is a physiological reason why men get drowsy after coitus and it has nothing to do with not wanting to cuddle or talk intimately, but I'm betting some cash went under the table on that one. "Yeah, oh for sure, it's science, it has absolutely nothing to do with your husband's fear of intimacy." You can really tell that these scientists are men. My favourite part is when they suggest the solution of having sex to upbeat music: 'Try "I Feel Good" by James Brown, Elvis Presley's "A Little Less Conversation" or Britney Spears's "Toxic".' Yup, that'll do it. Throw those three tunes on a mix CD and hit repeat and then you'll be in for a 'little less conversation, a little more action', while you 'feel good' wondering whether your husband is thinking about you or Britney Spears.

And for all the ladies out there in blogland, I prefer the song "All night long," and my phone number is ....

Haiku Woman # 4

For no apparent reason, I have decided to write about the women of my past in Haiku form. I don't pretend to understand women, but that's not going to stop me from trying to encapsulate them in 17 syllables.

Haiku Woman # 4

We should have been friends -
Please don't stand so close to me,
I acted the fool.

The Curse of the Bambino - Extended Edition...

Now here's something interesting for about, I'd say, three people who read this blog. (Not too shabby, that's a full 50% of our readership). The last time the Red Sox won the World Series back in 1918, the NHL season was cancelled the next year. Wow, that curse really is pervasive. Of course, last time, I'm betting it had a little something to do with a small conflict in Europe at the time.

To the NHL! We Hardly Knew Ya!

As your typical male sports junkie, I sat with a sad heart yesterday as they officially closed the doors on the 04-05 NHL season. I couldn't believe it. I knew that this was a possibility, but figured that a bunch of millionaires fighting over more money would be able to find some common ground and get the ball rolling. Instead, from what I've seen, is a bunch of spoiled brats who cannot manage to play nice in the sand box. It's funny because I've been a huge hockey fan since I was a kid (what Canadian kid isn't really) and thought what would I do without hockey? The answer I came up with was...find more sports to watch. I think what the players and owners are sadly going to realize is that the world of sports does not revolve around hockey and the fans will get their fix some where else. I know I have. I haven't been keeping close tabs on the whole deal, so I can't really give an educated opinion on who's right or wrong, but I say screw them. I'm tired of listening to them squabble over money when there's tons of others out there playing fantastic hockey for free. We've been watching University hockey lately and the level of play is amazing and you don't have to sell your car to pay for tickets either. But, as I watched the official announcement, I thought about all the things we would be missing this Spring because the kids couldn't get along.

No more will we see a teams last ditch effort while making a run for the play-offs. No more will we see our favorite winger speeding down the rink, cutting in after crossing the blue, performing the "Savardian Spinn-o-rama" and netting the puck in the top shelf. No more will we see bone crunching hits in the corners. No more will I have to suffer through yet another disappointing Bruins play-off run. No more will we see a goalie go above and beyond what one player should in order to keep his team from being eliminated. No more will we look to the stands and get lost in a sea of white towels. No more will we see the ice covered in octapuss after the Wings have scored. No more will we have to wait for that game winning goal in triple over time. No more will we see Lord Stanley hoisted high above victorious heads in all his glory. When put like this, I don't know how they couldn't put a price tag on the game. Well, I'm off to watch some figure skating. Oh, I was wrong. The world of sports does revolve around hockey.
-Troy-

Without a Point...

Last night I watched the movie "Without a Paddle" on Pirated PakistaniVision. Sadly, that is two hours of my life I will never get back. I have no idea why I continued to sit and watch this movie after the first five minutes. It was a train wreck, I couldn't look away. Or maybe I just desperately hoped it would get better. I tried to imagine Seth Greene, who I used to think was pretty funny, reading the script and thinking, "Yeah, for sure, this sounds great." I really wonder how that happens. Maybe the script has potential but then during production something happens, and you suddenly realize that you've accepted a role in the cinematic equivalent of a rancid piece of dog shit. This movie had no place, it didn't seem to know what it was. It tries to be ridiculous, but then there are these life-affirming buddy scenes. Nothing fit. The dialogue was so stilted it almost didn't make any sense whatsoever.

Instead of "Without a Paddle" I think they should have gone with "Shit Creek."

So yeah, go see this movie, two thumbs up.

Dave's Absolute Certainty # 3

Bearded men should not blow bubbles.

This certainty occurred to me quite suddenly while I was picking Bubbalicious Original Flavour from my whiskers and cursing out loud at the mirror.

February is the cruelest month...

You know, I'm sure some comedian or someone has talked about this before, but on my way to work this morning, I was thinking, "Who's idea was it to make February Black history month?" (I always think in quotation marks)(And I always make asides in parenthesis).

But seriously, was anyone really thinking about this one? You can almost chart the thought process: "Well, if we have to give them a month, let them have the short, crappy one." I wonder if black people really love leap years. "Excellent, an extra day to celebrate our heritage before it's back to eleven months of white history celebrations and screenings of 'Birth of a Nation.' "

I honestly don't know what it is about February. I used to think it was just the weather. Where I grew up in Canada, February is the coldest, greyest most dismal month. You go to work in the dark, you come home in the dark. This is the real reason Canadians are so polite. We're all smiles because below the surface we're about to snap. But this whole theory has kind of gone out the window for me (properly defenestrated) because here I am in the heat of Karachi, with plenty of sunlight, and I still think February sucks. Thank God it only has 28 days (just like the moon cycle, the menstral cycle, and rehab... coincidence?... Yes).

One last thing, over the course of years of random observations, I feel that my fingernails grow faster in February. I can't confirm this as an "Absolute Certainty" yet, but let me know if there is any possible reason for this.

Snippet #1

As his head banged off the rocks and the dusty landscape flew by, through the haze of his pain, he was suddenly amused. "Well," he thought, "turns out wild horses actually could drag me away."

Dave's Absolute Certainty #2

If I pull my nose hairs, I will sneeze. The number of sneezes is directly proportionate to the number of hairs.

Dave's Absolute Certainty #1

If there is something caught in your teeth, and you try to get it out with a toothpick or floss or what have you, it will always be one tooth forward of where you think it is.

Haiku Woman #2

For no apparent reason, I have decided to write about the women of my past in Haiku form. I don't pretend to understand women, but that's not going to stop me from trying to encapsulate them in 17 syllables.

Haiku Woman #2

You were barely there,
A shadow in the twilight:
But still you haunt me.

Haiku Woman #8

Haiku Woman # 8

Comfort and laughter -
But constant, quiet whispers:
It just wasn't right.

That Gets My Goat...

To whom it may concern:

Having never eaten a goat before crossing the ocean-blue to Pakistan, please find attached an updated list of parts of a goat I have now eaten.

1) Meat, in general. (No surprise here)
2) The Kidneys
3) The Heart
4) Various other internal organs
5) Some part of the Intestinal Track
5) The Brain
6) The Testicles
7) The Hooves (or at least, the cartelidge and tendons thereon)

Please note: This list is based solely on what people tell me I am eating.... but why would they lie?

Heart Shaped Box

Well, it's Valentine's Day, and I'm single. Oh woe is me. Whatever shall I do. I guess it's just gonna be me, Richard Gere, Julia Roberts, a box of kleenex and a big tub of Caramel Corn.

This is the first VD-Day that I've been single for a couple of years, and you know, it's kind of nice. No pressure. No fancy meals to cook... No present to buy... None of those "well, we've been together six months, but she bought me this for my birthday at three months, but that was a birthday and this is Valentine's Day so how much do I spend..." kind of debates. That's right. I am Dave and I am single on Valentine's Day and I am loving it!

My God I'm lonely.

Another Meaningless Post

I was out last night catching my old band mates from the Danny Mainstreet Band put on one hell of a rock show. These guys really know how to dial it in and turn it up. Every time I see them play, they never cease to amaze me. An extremely talented bunch that I had the fortune of playing with. I had a blast when I was in that band, but like most good things, my stint with the band came to an end. But I still love them dearly and look forward to seeing them every time they are in town, or I am in Halifax. Anyways, keep an eye out for these guys. Big things are coming for them so catch the boat while it's still ashore. www.thedannymainstreetband.com

Oh, last night I saw a drunk girl half passed out in a snow bank, while her friends tried to flag down a cab so they could take her to the hospital. If you really want to get the job done, make sure to mix the entire bottle of pills with the vodka. Bottoms up!

I've been meaning to put up a post over the past couple of days, but every time I sit down to do it, I'm plagued with writers block and have nothing to really talk about. I'm sure there are millions of things I could get ranting on, but I'm not in the mood today. It's a warm and sunny winters day and I don't want to spoil it by talking about topics that will just get me annoyed. Fear not though, Troy's political rants are never ending, so I'm sure there will be a post in the near future covering everything I've missed in the last week. Things on my end have been pretty quiet over the past week as well. Not much happening at all really. The good thing though is that time off has given me plenty of time to write the new record. Things in that department are coming along quite nicely. I'm loving the songs that have been coming out so far and I'm looking forward to finishing up in the very near future so we can get on to the next phase. I'll keep you posted on the new record as things develop. Anyways, I'm off to meet some friends for dinner. Hope you're all well. See you soon. Cheers.
-Troy-

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Just For Old Time's Sake...

I know this has been around for awhile now, but I think it fits with the current chain of posts, and I still think it's hilarious. It's often attributed to Rick Mercer, of "This Hour has Twenty-Two Minutes,"but it was actually after Mercer left the show. You can chock this little gem up to Colin Mochrie, who our American friends may remember from "Whose Line is it Anyway."

A Truly Canadian Apology

On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audeince we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry.

CBC strikes back...

The other night, on The Fifth Estate, CBC journalist, Bob McKeown stopped Ann Coulter up short in one of her fictional facts. Apparently she was trying to insist that Canada used to be the United States' friend, and had sent troups to Vietnam. Notice how good this makes us look here at The Artsaypunks? We happen to post an ancient clip of Coulter bashing Canada, and not one day later she gets her comeupance. Too bad only Canadians watch CBC.... and even then...

Anyway, a good report of the whole thing can be found here, at The Smirking Chimp (which is an excellent site by the way).

Canada Bashing

Here's what Troy was trying to post (or the interesting part at least). But instead of reposting it, he decided to be a big baby and bitch about it instead. And if you're like me, and a video clip is a little advanced for your internet connection, here's a summary and transcript.

And yeah, I had seen this choice Fox news clip before. It does make the blood boil. Good thing we have a sense of humour up here (or at least, that's what I would say, if I were there).

Amazing to me that Fox News is the most conservative, Republican talking piece on television, yet, its still the first network to pit midgets against elephants.

I'm Lovin' It...

I read the other day that Happy Meals are a lost leader for McDonalds. Apparently the little boxed lunch is solely to entice the young ones into becoming life-time consumers (kind of like using a cool cartoon camel to sell cigarettes I guess). So, this means that all we have to do it go to McDonalds and only buy Happy Meals, and eventually we'll force the corporate giant out of business. It'll be the fattest revolution ever! And think of all the crappy toys we'll get!

Also, I understand that "Super-Size Me" got an Oscar nomination. If you haven't seen this film... do so. You'll never eat at McDonalds again. Or, I suppose, if you like McDonalds... don't see this film.

Queer Eye for the Straight Penguin

Well, what do you know? A German zoo, wondering why their penguins have never had baby penguins, just found out that their penguins are gay. Ooooh, you look so hot in that tuxedo. So, the zoo has brought in female penguins from abroad to steer them along the waterslide of straighthood. Nothing like a refrigerated truck load of foreigners to turn the guys around. And all the better, the sexy lady penguins are from Sweeden.

Now truly, should Zee Germans really be forcing sexuality on these poor flightless birds? They do have a history of sexually descriminating against antarctic birds, but you won't find it in any history books. I refer, of course, to the alleged "Hitler visit" to the Berlin zoo in september of 1941, afterwhich, all of the zoo's deformed, gay and Jewish animals slowly, and methodically disappeared. Among their number, were the infamous penguin pair "Cloe and Zoe." (Please insert Umlauts) (You know, two dots over the "e"s). So German penguins are no stranger to the heavy hand of the zoological zeitgeist of homophobia.

I say, fight for your rights lads! Flap your flippers high, and squawk for emancipation! Fight for your right to slippery sexual escapades! Gay Penguins of the world Unite! Just stay outta America!

Going, Going, and Gone

Dave keeps editing my posts and somehow manages to delete them in the process. Thanks buddy, I appreciate the help. I'll post something for you all tomorrow. Right now I'm off to watch some university hockey. They seem to be the only one's playing a full schedule this season. Maybe it's because they play for the love of the game and not for a pay check.
-Troy-

Dave's Quote of the week...

While watching Pakistan vs. Australia Cricket match:

"You know, Cricket in Canada is a lot like homosexuality in the military... you know it's there, but no one wants to talk about it."

More Ranting...

In what is sure to become a common subject on the ole blog, I'll join Troy on the Bush Bashing. Its just too easy. It's too bad that we don't have a conservative and a liberal here to give a balanced debate, but unfortunately both Troy and I are intelligent people, and not rich, so no Republican fans here. All you've got is that Troy is a tad more redneck than I am.

As Canadians, we're in a strange spot. We understand American culture, because its so similar to our own. We see our own systems fail when they try to emulate their American equivalents. All we can do is listen to the speeches, watch the spin, and shake our heads. We have the same Freedoms as Americans (well, more actually), but although all terrorists and insurgents supposedly "hate the US for their freedom", you'll notice that no one hates Canada for ours. (And the astute amongst us will also remark that we vote on pieces of paper with pencils and know the results to our elections within hours.)

Anyway, the other day I was reading a conservative blog, and in the margins they were offering republican merchandise etc. One of the items was a t-shirt with "George Bush's America" written across the vast collection of red-states on the map. This kind of pisses me off. The Red-State vs. Blue State map has been spun into the image of the election, rather than the truth of a slim majority... maybe slimmer if black people were allowed to vote.

So George and Co. take that map and use it to say that their mandate has been approved, that they don't need to apologize for Iraq because the people showed their approval of the occupation. Just look how red that map is! When he said that, I couldn't believe it.

So, although many of you have probably seen this before, here are a few maps dependant on population rather than area. If you figure that blue California alone would be the world's fifth largest economy, you realize it has a few more voters than red Montana, for example.

So its not just Red states and Blue, just one big purple country.

Update...

Just an update on the updates.

I've posted my letters home on a secondary site. So, if you're interested in the adventures of Dave in Pakistan, they're over there in the sidebar ----->

Rhetorical RocknRoll

So this morning on the way to work the CD player shuffled from Sinatra to Guns n Roses. A logical and seemless switch. Anyway, in the category of small things that amuse me, I love it when Axel, at the end of "Welcome to the Jungle," shouts out, "You know where you are??... You're in the jungle baby..." It's like, gee, thanks for the update. You've only welcomed her to the jungle half a hundred times at that point.
In the same category of rhetorical rock questions is the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, "Love Rollercoaster." Pretty much the only lyrics of that song are, "Our love is like a rollercoaster baby now." And at the end he goes with, "Our love is like what??"... Dude, you have got to pay attention to your own song.

Elect A Madman, You Get Madness!

Seeing as how February is Black history month, I found it absolutely mind blowing that in this day and age, people in the "greatest land of all" are still struggling to attain the daily rights and freedoms alotted to the others who are deemed "first class citizens". All one has to do is look back on the struggles that the African-Americans had to endure during the Civil Rights Movement of the 50's and 60's to realize that we are right back where we started. One step forward, ten steps back! As I sat and watched Bush deliver the State of the Union address last night, I was in utter dismay at what came out of his mouth. And that the people of that country (well, 51%) buy in to his tyrannical bullshit, well, I just have to shake my head at that. Are we really alright with an elected official imposing his own personal morals and ideals on us, thus making half of the country ride only in the back of the bus once again? All I can say is that thank fucking God I am not an American citizen or else I would be outraged at what he said last night. I'm Canadaian and I'm going out of my mind. If I was an American, I would most certainly be parked somewhere with a big fucking sign around my neck that said "you do not spreak for me Mr.Bush, so please shut the hell up!" I actually ended up turning off the TV last night. I honestly could not stomach it anymore after he rambled on about freedom and equality for all, then completely switched gears and nearly begged congress to pass an amendment banning gay marriage. It was nice to see that only half of congress applauded and egged him on though, meaning there are decent citizins left in that country. The others should have just egged him. Sorry for the rant. This clown just drives me insane, and the fact that the American people allow him to carry on in such a manner upsets me even more. But you can sleep tight knowing that the leader of the free world is bringing freedom and equality for all citizens...unless you're gay that is, then you're shit out of luck!

"High, I'm here to pick up my box of equal rights" "Sorry, we don't serve your kind under this current administration!"

I did it my way...

On my way to work today, I was listening to some Frank Sinatra. But when the classic, "I did it my way" came on, I realized that all I could think of was Viagra. That's right, ole blue eyes now makes me think of the li'l blue pill. It just goes to show how pervasive advertising has become. Why should I have to drive to work thinking about erectile dysfunction? (Heaven knows it's on my mind enough as it is.)

But that reminds me... I always found it funny that during last years Superbowl, three of the main commercial sponsors were for erectile dysfunction drugs, and yet Janet Jackson's split second flash raised a riot of moral indignation. Don't worry about flacid members kids, but for the love of everything holy, don't you dare think about a woman's breast. Tivo reports that the "wardrobe malfunction" is still the most replayed moment on their service, so obviously, moral indignation hasn't stopped people from letting themselves be outraged in slow motion, over and over again. When I watched the Superbowl, I just remember thinking, what happened there? Why did they cut away? I don't think anyone really "saw" what happened. It wasn't until such a big deal was made about the whole thing that it got true "exposure." Janet should be proud that she inspired an immediate congressional inquiry, unlike the events of September 11th, 2001. Security of our nation be damned, we're talking about boobies on TV! Yeah, American culture is a funny thing... Won't somebody please think of the children!

Boy, Sinatra really does get the mind to wandering...

Funny enough, I've just discovered that The Onion has an article on the very same thing.

Leave it to Mom...

Special thanks to my Mom, who has pointed out an error in my post about Eid. Apparently Isaac was not Abraham's first born son (even if it makes a better story). He had a son with his wife's handmaid first.

Which makes me wonder two things. First, where can I get a handmaid? And second, why is it that conservative Bible-folk are always making such a fuss about "Family Values," and the "sanctity of marriage" as espoused in the Bible, if you've got everbody and their handmaids having a romp in the hay. And don't think I've forgotten about Lott and his daughters... or Noah and his daughters for that matter. I know, I know, the ten commandments come later. But still, I love how everyone reads the Bible however it suits them. My favourite selective Biblical reading goes like this: "God loves all of his creations, unless they're homosexual."

For a good, but long, article on how divorce and adultery rates are highest in areas where conservative, evangelical, fundamentalist christian values are strongest (ie: the Red States), cast your sinful eyes upon this.

Ahh, Hypocrisy never tasted so sweet.

No title means I'm not feeling overly creative today!

The play wrapped up Saturday night and I'm already bored. I think that is a bad sign. I had a great time, but throughout most of the run, especially the days leading up to the finally I was dying to be done with it and move on to something else. Now I'm here, just a short two days later with nothing to do. Lovely! Actually it's been nice not having to rush off and be somewhere for a change. Something I don't get to do very often. But I am getting bored and definitely need to find something to do. I had a great time doing to play though. It had been a few years since my last run and I had forgotton how much I missed it. I had a great cast to work with as well. Out of all the shows and casts over the years, I would have to say that this group was one of the best. If you made it out to the show last week, then you know what I'm talking about. An extremely talented bunch that I will miss dearly. That's the only draw back to do something like this. You work so closely with a select group for a length of time and you connect on a level that is really hard to explain and when the time has come to part ways, you definitely miss not seeing them every day. That's what I always take away from experiences such as this. You make friendships that are pretty hard to let go of, but the show is over and it's time to move on. The best part about doing this show was that on opening night, the director Len Falkenstein and his wife Sue, welcomed their first child, a baby girl into the world only an hour before the curtain went up. I thought that was pretty cool. I've worked with Len on a number of shows throughout the years and have come to know him and Sue quite well and I wish them all the best as they start this new journey.

So I bet you are all wondering what the plan of action is for my immediate future? I just thought I'd throw that up there. No one really gives a shit, but I'll tell you anyways because I'm sure you're dying to know. Me too actually, so I'll tell you after I figure it out. Ok, just teasing. I do know the plan. Why wouldn't I, it's my plan after all. I'm going to be taking a few days off to recover from the play. I'm a little worn out physically from the day to day grind of putting on the show, so some rest is in order. And by that I mean sleeping until noon and catching up on my Dawson's Creek, even though I've seen every episode. After a couple of days off, I'm starting production on a new record. Nothing has been written for this album yet and I really have no clue as to where I'll be taking it musically yet. That scares me a little because I'm in love with solid plans and structures, but I'm also excited about this thought as well. The last record I made was with specific ideas/goals and agendas in mind and I didn't like working in that type of environment. Especially one where there are other people constantly grading your work, I like this, I hate this, it needs to do this! I went nuts trying to please people. It's a hard thing to have to be creative all day and work with the thought of "will they like this or not" floating in the back of your head. So I'm really looking forward to going back in the studio with the mind set of no limits, and no boundaries. Basically if I like it, I keep it. If I hate it, it gets tossed. I know that by the time I'm ready to start laying tracks, I'll have a clear cut plan because, well, time is money in the studio and since this venture is being footed from my own pocket then I say press the button monkey, let's get it on! I'm sure it won't be that dramatic, but it'll be close. So, as to what you might expect to hear from this record is really up in the air. In the past, it's always been about the rock, getting the songs as bouncy as possible and the guitars bigger than life. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the rock and there'll definitely be that element, but I also want to explore other avenues as well. Like I said, no limits, no boundaires. What ever I feel like at the time really. It is my record after all. So, hopefully writing won't take too long and I can get in the studio as soon as possible. There'll be lots of updates concerning the new album so check in often. For now, I'm tired again and ready for some more Dawson's Creek. See you all soon. Cheers!
-Troy-