Balls to the Wall...

Well, this is a new one on me.

A while back, I was at the local veterinarian’s office with the Soph-Star. She had rescued a tiny, abandoned kitten from the middle of the road, and I had tagged along to ask about my animal-magnetism, which seemed to be flagging of late. The vet assured us that the kitten, whom we had already labelled “Flea Willikers,” was strong and needed only near constant care and frequent eye-dropperings of milk. She informed me that, unfortunately, my animal-magnetism had reversed polarity, which I found distressing. Sadly, the stalwart Flea mewed his way off this mortal coil that very night. Poor little, short-lived Flea. Hopefully we showed him the best day and a half of his little life.

So, all in all, an upsetting trip to the Vet. However, as we were waiting in line, I was flipping through one of those pet-type magazines, which I can only imagine Veterinarian offices subscribing to, when I came upon a small advert that caught my attention. It was a blank white square with only the word “Neuticles” in blue font, and the catch phrase, “Testicular Implantation for Pets.” I was intrigued. I was well aware of the principle of reverse-vasectomies, but I also knew that pets are completely castrated like a sixteenth-century soprano. How the heck do you reverse that? Thankfully, the website, www.neuticles.com was supplied at the bottom of the ad. My head swam with comedic potential. There was no way I wasn’t going to go home and look that up immediately….

….A month and a half later, I sat in front of my computer desperately trying to think of something to look up on the web in order to maintain my achieved level of procrastination. Like a flash from the blue (or a kick to the nuts) I suddenly remembered… Neuticles! Better late than never. And boy was it worth it. A simple flash animation of a bouncing blue ball that sprouts atomic electron orbits and proclaims “Neuticles – The Revolutionary Testicular Implant Procedure for Pets,” led me into the site.

I soon discovered that what I had stumbled upon was not, in fact, a means to reload your puppy’s pistol, but a complete cosmetic surgery. Yes, this patented technique allows proud pet-owners to implant silicon testicles during the neutering process which apparently allows your pet to “retain his natural look, self-esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering” for both pet and owner. In fact, the website proudly proclaims that, “With Neuticles – It’s like nothing ever changed!” Yeah, right… nothing has changed at all.

After I had stopped laughing and wiped the tears from my eyes, I dug a little deeper. The “Most Asked Questions” (an MAQ apparently) explains that “Neuticles eliminates ‘neuter hesitant’ concerns.” Neuticles is doing Bob Barker proud by allowing pet-owners to castrate their pets without hesitation and thus saving the world from thousands of homeless strays. The site emphasises that, “We feel the removal of a God given body part – leaving a male pet looking unwhole after the traditional form of neutering, is not only unethical but unnatural.”

Right. I just don’t buy it. I mean, come on. If you’re going to harp on about God-given body parts, then don’t remove them in the first place. It’s unethical to knacker your pet, but it’s not if the pet doesn’t notice the difference? So apparently, if you cut off my hand, but keep a handy prosthetic nearby, you’re in the clear. Another question asks whether a dog would actually miss anything anyway. The site affirms their unfettered insight into the Canine mind by stating in no uncertain terms that

people know their beloved pet. Their pet can tell them when they are hungry, want to play, don’t feel well, hide when approaching the vet’s office or will get excited when driving by or going to the park – why wouldn’t the pet know a familiar body part is missing Would he know if his foot was cut off? Of course he would – its only common sense.

Yeah, common sense, that’s what that is. Chances are, if your dog’s self-esteem is in danger by lopping off his breeding jewels, then he’ll most likely suspect a little something with his “Neuticles.” Hmmm, this is New… and it Tickles.

Someone else asks, “Do Neuticles come in different models?” Despite the hilarious choice of words in that query, the answer is even better. “Neuticles are available in three models: Neuticle-Originals (rigid firmness), Neuticle-Natural (natural firmness) and Neuticles UltraPLUS.” They range in price from $73 to $839, and are curiously sold in pairs and singly (explain that one to me). Each are made from FDA medically approved (“for human use”) materials that “replicate the animal’s testicle in size, shape, weight and feel.” Now forgetting about the image of someone feeling their dog’s equipment, this leads to the predictable, yet hilarious, question, “Can Neuticles be implanted in People?” Absolutely not. Poor Lance Armstrong.

Of course, the site also has the requisite Testimonials Page (I would have gone with “Testes-Moanials”), with statements like: “I’ve put off neutering ‘Crooked Joe’ for months and when I found out about Neuticles and spoke to them it made me feel better about neutering. Joe not only looks the same now – but doesn’t know he’s missing anything.” To me, the most unethical aspect here, is naming your dog “Crooked Joe.” Lane from Louisiana states, “He’s a guy and I wanted him to remain looking like one.”

Now, these testimonials make me curious. Are there that many pet-owners that sit around staring at their dog’s balls? That sounds like a fantastic way to spend Friday night. “He looks the same!” Sure, but who’s looking? “Look Honey, he’s licking them again! He thinks they’re real!” And I bet these are the same type of people who chop off a dog’s ears, or lop off the tails because it supposedly looks better.

To top it all off, there’s even a press section, where Rush Limbaugh states, “Neuticles are just plain neat!” But to be fair, he was probably hopped up on goof-balls and hoping for some sort of Bill Clinton application.

I find myself wondering what my grandfather, who was a veterinarian his whole life (except for the beginning and ending parts) would think of the Neuticles Revolution. I’m reminded of how he would talk about castrating sheep until someone would inevitably ask him how you go about doing that. “Well, it’s pretty simple really,” he would say, “first you take an elastic band and wrap it around and around the scrotum nice and tight. Then you find two big rocks…” Here, he would weigh the imaginary rocks in his hands. “And then, *SMACK*” he would clap his hands together, “it’s done.” Some startled observer would inevitably ask, “My God! Doesn’t that hurt?” My grandfather would look at them like it was the most ridiculous question he’d ever heard, before answering, “Not at all, you just have to make sure to keep your fingers clear.”

So yeah, I think I know what my grandfather would say about Neuticles. He’d shake his head and say, “That’s Nuts.”