Sh*t Happens

You know, I can already tell that this will be one of those things where everyone says, "Oh Gawd, Dave… only you."

But I can’t help myself. Since I’ve arrived here in Pakistan, I’ve been consistently curious about the device lovingly known as the "Muslim Shower." This is basically a small shower-sprayer head, similar to those ones that some people have on their kitchen sinks, that is mounted on the wall in the bathroom beside the toilet. It has the exact same function as a bidet, but it is hand-held, and thus I will leave your imaginations wander from there. Using only toilet paper, as we do in the West, is generally looked upon as revolting and disgustingly unhygienic, and of course, against Islamic code. If you know any Muslims in North America, you’ll always notice a small pitcher or container beside the toilet ready for service.

At first, I approached this device with complete and utter fear of the unknown. Later though, that fear became fascination, but it still took me quite some time to gather the courage to attempt using it… to take the plunge, so to speak. Believe me, the cold water is a bit of a shock at first, but you get used to it (although, it tends to make me have to pee again). So now, I’m a fairly regular convert. I find that this amazing appliance is the perfect complement to the status of my digestive system and my relentless pursuit of delicious, spicy foods.

However, where I remain curious, is in the actual technique. I have discovered that many people here can use this device with no use of toilet paper at all. As for me, no matter how thorough a rinse cycle I put myself through, I always need a few more goes at the paperwork. And even if the wash leaves a spotless finish, what about the drying? So now I am in a quandary. I would like to learn this paperless technique, because I just can’t see how it would possibly work. But I can’t exactly ask anyone here now can I? What would I do, ask for a demonstration? Somehow, I don’t think that would be kosher, or halaal for that matter.

So I guess I’m stuck with my cross-cultural technique. It will have to do for now. But my curiosity remains, if only to pass the knowledge on to Steve Dougherty at home, who would spend half his pay on toilet paper if he didn’t get it free from the pulp mill where he works. The guy has clogged more toilets than I have ever used. I’d just like to save the guy from having to buy another plunger.