Papal Bull...

So, the new Pope.

Kinda sounds like the New Coke. I hope he's slightly more successful than that venture, and slightly less carbonated. I think my favourite thing about the new Pope is that he looks just like the old Pope. And I don’t just mean that he’s old and Catholic, I think they actually look like cousins or something, but maybe it’s just that stylin’ hat. Apparently the old Pope and the new Pope were best buds, used to hang together a lot, and both hold the same conservative mindset. He and JP-2 used to sit around, watching the big game, chowing down on Joe’s homemade Bratwurst, casually discussing the fate of the Catholic Empire.

I think he should have chosen the name Pope Stop-Gap the First, because really, even he’s surprised that he became Pope. He really is the same Pope, just a little different. (Maybe it's more like New Coke than I thought.) It’s like the liberal factions in the Church are saying, "Ok, you ultra-conservative guys get a few more years, then we’re coming in and letting people use condoms. Capiche? "

Now, I understand that there has to be a lot of pressure on you to choose your new Papal name, but come on, Benedict XVI? I haven’t heard the logic behind this choice, but I know I could have picked a better one. I wish he’d asked me, I would have told him to get back in the room and try again. Benedict is bad enough, but 15 Popes have already gone that way. This new Pope is a solidly unoriginal dude (16 Popes agree, Benedict is a great name). When I think Benedict, I think eggs. Delicious eggs, but eggs nontheless.

I’ve been trying to think about what I would rename myself if I were Pope. It’s a tough process, I’ll admit. I was getting nowhere, so I locked myself in the bathroom and had a good long sit. Finally, I lit a cigarette and blew white smoke out the window, I had decided on my new Pope handle... Pope Funk-Master-D… the first.