You Must Remember This…

Sometimes I feel like when it comes to kissing, I’ll just never catch on. I suppose I’d better elaborate. Don’t get me wrong, as far as regular, romantic smooching goes, I’m no slouch, but what stymies me is the double cheek kiss that is so prominent here as a greeting. Hi! How are you!… *Mwah*… *Mwah*… I wouldn’t mind this at all, except that I get so confused. You see, there are just too many variations and stipulations. Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to play a sport and I don’t know any of the rules, but the coach just leaves me in there, flailing around, making an ass of myself.

First of all, there seems to be a proximity-to-familiarity ratio that needs to be adhered to and observed. For example, if I know a girl very well, I might kiss her directly on each cheek. But if it’s someone I don’t know as well, maybe we will just touch cheeks together and kiss the air in the vicinity of our earlobes. But then, if I only know her socially, we’ll probably steer clear of the cheeks and just make "Mwah" noises over each other’s shoulders. But then, a casual acquaintance will most likely just go for the handshake. Believe me, it’s confusing as all hell. You have to make these judgements in the blink of an eye. And if she has a different assessment of our relationship than I do, then we might get caught at cross-purposes. She goes for the cheek, I go for the air, and next thing you know I’ve bitten her ear.

The worst is the hesitation situation, where one of you is going for the handshake, the other the kiss, and then you quickly see your error and switch, but so do they. You end up in one of those situations where you’re walking towards someone and both make a move in the same direction until you’re salsa dancing in the street.

And to make matters worse, some people only go with the kissing of the single cheek. This throws a huge wrench into things. Technically, I’m all for it. It’s much simpler overall. But it’ll always throw you off your guard. She stops after one kiss, and meanwhile, like Jesus, I’ve turned the other cheek, and I’m left hanging there. And the worst part is that sometimes I judge incorrectly that the person is a one-cheek-kisser and then I leave her hanging. Then she invariably says, "No sweetie, we kiss both cheeks here." Thanks. Just give me one more year and maybe I’ll get it.

Now, sometimes the guys can throw me off too. A good friend will come toward me with his hand out and so I get ready for the shake, only to find myself in a big bear hug. This means that my shaking hand is now stuck between us and hopefully not prodding anything too inappropriate. Then, after the hug, he’ll be standing there with his hand out for the shake, which I’ve withdrawn out of embarrassment. Hug and then Shake, Hug and then Shake… I always forget. I guess it’s because it basically goes the other way around at home. The brisk handshake evolves through the shoulder clasp, into the manly hug.

I’m hoping that this isn’t just me. I’m hoping that others experience similar situations like: "The Stop and Go," "The Sweaty Cheek" and the always awkward "Cheek Bump." But like most things, I can already hear the decision of the masses: "No Dave, I’m afraid it’s just you."