The Dave Guide to the Pakistani Wedding...

Hello my confused, hot and sweaty Caucasian brothers and sisters.

I know that if you’ve been in this part of the world for any amount of time, you have probably been invited to a Pakistani wedding. This can be a confusing time for you. The cross cultural mish-mash of Islamic and Hindi celebrations that make up a Pakistani wedding can be enough to leave any self-respecting Gora reeling. I see you there at the wedding functions, a little to the left of the entrance: a group of nervous, uncomfortable white people, standing there like a wilting patch of daisies in a dazzling, showy garden. But never fear. With both the primary and secondary Pakistani wedding seasons pretty much behind me, I am here to help. Although Pakistanis love to have you at their weddings, they will also be very much amused by how you will handle yourself. For this reason, no one will ever give you a heads up on what the hell is going on. That’s where The Dave Guide comes into play. Here are a few excerpts to get you started:

Functions:
Ok, the first thing you’re going to notice is that you invitation includes not one reception, but several. Don’t panic. You don’t really have to go to all of them. You can pick and choose. You’re probably thinking, wait a minute, I’m used to one service, one reception, one drunken, inappropriate uncle, about 200 guests, a nice dinner and some dancing. Well, a Pakistani wedding is just like that, except you do it five or six times.

Although the sheer number of events may overwhelm you, it helps to realize that they are all basically the same, just with different ingredients. I think of them in two categories, depending on what I have to wear. In the first group, you’ve got the Mehndi, Mayun, Dohlki, Kawali (Kavali, Quwwali… I dunno) and other such events, to which I would wear a nice Shalwar Kameez. In the second group you’ve got the Nikkah, Rukhsati, Valima and any other dinner type affairs, to which I would wear a suit and tie.

Personally, I prefer the first group of functions because they’re more casual, more colourful, more culturally interesting, there’s more going on, I get to wear fancy pyjamas, and everything is just much more gay (in the old fashioned sense of the word, not the make-over/track-lighting sense of the word). The Mehndi is the big show, with hundreds of people, more colour than a troupe of clowns playing paintball, and lots of dancing, partying and food. The others are kind of like variations on the theme. A Mayun is like a small Mehndi, except you usually only have one side of the family and everyone wears yellow; a dohlki is a like small Mehndi with a drum, a tambourine and some dancing; a kawwali is like a small Mehndi with a cool, trance concert of religious music.

The second group of functions are still interesting if you’ve never been to one, but they are stuffier, and generally less fascinating. The Nikkah is the signing of the actual wedding contract, which is culturally interesting, but dry as unbuttered toast. The reception or Rukhsati is like the giving away of the bride, so everyone cries for good measure. The Valima is a celebration of the consummation of the wedding, which you would think would be exciting, but the novelty wears off quickly. The couple are usually smiling, which I hope is because of the consummation part, but is probably because they know that the Valima is the last function they’ll have to endure. I tend to get bored at Valimas and start hoping someone will run in with a blood-spattered bed sheet and yell, "It is accomplished!" But unfortunately, those days are gone (I wonder why?).

These functions usually involve a lot of mingling and small talk, and "Why are you in Pakistan?" type scenes. My general irritation with such situations, however, is balanced out by the fact that I look fantastic in a suit…. But then again, I look pretty classy in a Shalwar Kameez as well. I dress up nice.

Keeping Up Appearances
Whichever functions you choose, you should try to pay your respects to the bride and groom. They’ll be the ones locked in one corner, their faces masked in smiles barely betraying the fact that they are probably the most miserable people in attendance. They have to sit on a bench somewhere, while everyone else is having a great time, and endure one group photo for every possible combination of family and friends. They go through more film than an Imax movie, and I’m sure Kodak could stay in business just based on profits from Desi weddings. If you are searching for the happy couple, one helpful tip is to look for the groom first, because there’s a good chance you won’t recognise the bride. She’ll be beautiful, without a doubt, but with the elaborate dress and heavy make-up and jewellery, you’ll probably catch yourself thinking, "Wait a minute, is that her?"

Timing:
This is perhaps the most important category. If you mess up the timings, you can throw off your whole night. You may have received an invitation card listing the time of function as, for example, 8 pm. It may or may not have also included the word "sharp." Ignore this completely. It is a cunning ruse. Despite all your instincts, you must resist any punctual inclinations. Even if you are thinking of being fashionably late, and show up an hour after the given time, chances are you’ll be helping the caterers set up tables. Here’s the way I look at it. If you would like to make an early appearance, then you should plan to arrive two hours after the time on the card. If you’d like to arrive with everyone else, go with a three-hour delay. Don’t worry too much about it. Chances are the bride and or groom will not arrive before midnight. As for the original time on the card, well, there is no rational explanation, unless of course, it’s some sort of ingenious stratagem to make all the White Folk look foolish. As if we need any help.

Eating:
Whatever you do, make sure that you eat before the wedding. This is imperative. In fact, you may even want to stop for drive-thru on the way there. All night long, you will hear how food is about to be served, but you should not expect it to make an appearance much before 1 am. Food at a wedding is more elusive than environmental issues at a Republican convention. From what I can gather, a wedding is often judged on the quality of its food. Ask someone how a wedding was and they'll probably say, "Oh it was very nice... good food." One entertainment, if you still have the energy, is to watch the mass exodus after food is served. Most people are so hungry, they won’t leave until food is served, but as soon as they get the chow, they’re out the door. Since the hosts know that everyone will leave after they eat, they wait until 1 in the morning on a weeknight to serve it, and since all the guests know that food won’t be served before 1 in the morning, they won’t show up to the wedding before 11:30. You see how these things happen?

Dancing:
If you are, ahem, fortunate enough to be close enough to the bride or groom, you may find yourself corralled into a choreographed dance. Don’t panic. There is a very good chance that your Pakistani friends are also extremely bad at this. All it means is that you attend several "Dance Practices" before the wedding. A Dance Practice is an interesting gathering. The first hour is spent calling everyone to find out why they’re not yet at dance practice. The second hour involves discussing what should be ordered to eat for dance practice. The third hour usually involves someone discussing how everyone should be practising dancing, while someone else (depending on your friends) tries to track down some beer. There will be some talk of selecting songs, a lot of talk about how bad your dance will be, and then you’re done. Don’t worry that you haven’t learned the dance, you’ll just get pulled up on stage one way or another anyway, so just go with it.

Try not to be alarmed when you get pulled up on stage to dance. Just be prepared in the knowledge that it will most likely happen. Everyone loves to see Whitey dance. Here are a few tips. Smile broadly, as if there is nothing you would rather be doing in your life. Shrug your shoulders a lot, as if you have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Every once and a while, squat suddenly and throw your arms out like one of those Ukranian dancer dudes. Finally, if you are completely lost, throw both arms in the air, stick out your index fingers and jump up and down on one foot. This will always please the masses.