You Can't Have One without the O-ther...

Oh man, I love married couples. Married couples are excellent. My favourite thing about married couples is when they quarrel right in front of you and it’s awkward as all hell. It reminds me of when I used to go to a friend’s house when I was a kid and while I was there, his mother would start seriously bitching him our in front of me. Back then my tactic was always pure ignorance, just sitting there with a smile frozen on my face, sipping my Freshie and saying, "Wow Mrs. Johnson, this is really good pizza." I can’t say that my social tactics have changed much over the years. I still just ignore any married couple’s outburst, and continue chatting as if a giant iceberg hadn’t just drifted through the conversation. And the best part about these hitched-up suckers is that they don’t think other people know they’re squabbling. It’s as if they imagine that their snide remarks and barely masked vitriol only exist within the bubble of their own conversation. Here are a few excerpts I’ve heard just over the last week:

"Are you saying that just because my parents are here? Oh, very nice."
"If you have a problem with my driving, why don’t you just say so."
"No, I think I’ll order what I want off the menu, is that ok with you?"

Now, I’ve never technically been married (unless you count that thing in the early eighties, but even the state of New Mexico doesn’t recognize that incident) but I have a feeling I’d be fantastic at it. I mean, when you’re married, your every word must be coated in double meaning and dripping with passive aggressive sarcasm. What a fantastic challenge that would be, trying to make everything sarcastic. It would be like writing the blog everyday (wait a minute…).

Even though being present for these little spats is uncomfortable, in my opinion, it’s also very beneficial. The great thing is that any self-pity I may feel about still being single is wiped away like third world debt in a world run by Bono. And although it’s sad that I haven’t found anyone to share my life with, it’s also a bonus that I don’t have anyone that knows me so well they can slice my innards with a single raised eyebrow. Quarreling couples function as an anti-marriage elixir for we the citizens of singledom. It’s just like how a room full of screaming kids is pretty much the best contraceptive in the world. You can watch all the condom commercials you want, you can scare yourself half to death about STD’s, but nothing wraps it up faster than thinking, "Oh my God, one false move and one of those screaming hell-monkeys could be mine."