4 Stories... 1 Night...

3:00 AM

…So this crazy chick keeps insisting that I have a lisp. The other girl, equally as crazy, is laughing her head off and nodding. I’m quite adamant that I do not have a lisp. I mean seriously, I think someone would have mentioned this fact to me at some point growing up. "No, no sweetie, don’t get defensive," she says to me, "I think it’s sexy, it makes me want to make out with your right now."
"Oh, ith that tho" I say.

I had never kissed a crazy chick in a Denny’s at 3:00 AM before. It was fun.

3:30 AM

…."Where the fuck is our food?" asks crazy chick number 1. I have to admit, our food is taking forever. I haven’t really noticed because the crazy chicks are keeping me very busy. I have no idea what they’re going to do next, and even in my drunken state I’m prone to embarrassment. "Cook the damn eggs so we can go home," I think to myself. Our waitress, who looks maybe 18, and right off the farm, comes over to apologize. Since I manage a bar, I’m simpathetic. "It’s ok dear," I start to say when crazy chick number 2, the lisp-lover, interrupts me: "Look, honey, what’s your name?" Our waitress looks a little taken aback, especially since her name is right there on her nametag. "Uhh, Alice," she replies. "Ok Alice, listen, will our food get here any faster if I take you in the back room and lick your pussy until you scream?" Alice turns red all the way down her neck, I slowly start choking to death on my Coke. The poor girl stammers, "Ahh, no, I don’t think that will make it come any faster."
"No, but you might."

We got 35 % off.

4:30 AM

… I couldn’t believe it. He was just sitting there, smirking up at me. It’s 4:30 in the morning and this cabby won’t give us a ride. "Look buddy, this’ll be like $45 by the time we get home." He’s arrogant like nobody’s business, reclining in his seat with his feet out the window. He’s made himself comfortable, has even kicked off his sandals. He looks up at me again and says, " I’m on my break, Fuck off." One of the crazy chicks goes nuts when she hears that, starts tearing a strip off of him. I’m pretty pissed off myself. I’m trying to force the car number into my drunken memory banks so I can complain tomorrow. It’s not working very well. I stare down at the pavement and see the cabby’s sandals where he had kicked them off. I turn to the crazy, lisp-lover and say, "We should steal his fucking shoes." This girl goes into overdrive, starts pleading with the cabby, gets down on one knee and says, "Please, please, please take us home!" All the while, she is quietly collecting his shoes while he’s not looking. "Fine" she says abruptly, and we walk off in what I would consider to be a huff. We manage to flag a different cab on the street and it’s only then that I realize I haven’t moved into my new apartment yet, and I have absolutely no memory of where I’m supposed to be staying that night. "That’s ok," says the lisp-lover, "You can stay with me."

The sandals fit me perfectly and I wear them to this day.

7:00 AM

...I wake up with a cat on my chest licking my face. I am very close to screaming. In the one bedroom apartment, I count four cats that I can see. I think I can hear others. I look over and see the crazy lisp-lover. The night starts to come back to me. She is awake. I look up at the ceiling and see a huge picture of a naked stripper. I am at a loss. "Who’s the girl?" I ask. "Oh, that’s my girlfriend Dani." She replies. I sit up. "Your girlfriend? You’re a lesbian with a stripper girlfriend?" I give my head a shake. She says, "Sure, didn’t you know that?" "No, I certainly didn’t know that!" I stammer, but now the incident with the waitress makes more sense. I think a bit longer, trying to clear my head, "Will she be mad that I’m spending the night?" I ask. "Oh no sweetie, she knows that I’m a sucker for lisps… besides, she’s in China."

I didn't bother telling her again that I don’t have a lisp.

* * *

A friend of mine is fond of saying: "And then I looked up and realized that I was in a Dave Ford situation, and I had no idea how to get out." I think the phrase originates from this night in particular.