Everybody Must Get Stoned...

Well, this article struck me as particularly ridiculous.

And since I know that no one actually clicks on the links, I’ll just tell you about. Besides, it’ll be funnier that way.

It seems that the Editorial Team of the New International Version of the Bible (often referred to as the NIV for some reason) will soon be releasing a new edition of the Big Book. They’re going to be making some changes (about 5% of the text) to make it simpler for folks to understand that tough bible language. So if you’re too stupid to know that “tunic” means “shirt” and that “with child” means “pregnant,” then this is the book for you. Which makes sense if you think about it, I mean let’s face it, I think we can all agree without controversy that Religion (with a capital R) loves the ignorant. He who knows not, doubts not, and all that jazz. But that’s a whole other kettle of fish (whether it feeds 5000 or not).

So why not? Don’t we need a further simplified Bible in our modern culture? It’ll be like the microwave dinner for the faithful. No work required: peel back the corner, poke a few holes with a fork and you’re good to go with steaming bible goodness

Anyway, this panel of 15 Biblical scholars is very concerned that kids are going to be confused by the idea of martyrs getting "stoned" in the bible. Apparently, this ancient form of mass death sentence is no longer clear. "We wanted to keep it from being confused with drug addiction," states Professor Ronald Youngblood, who, despite his name, has got to be just slightly out of touch.

Oh yes, I’m sure that most young people are very confused. I mean, imagine reading a story about an apostle being labeled a heretic, rounded into the market square by furious villagers, and then passed a joint to get really high. "Dude, we may not agree with your preachings, but man, we can really dig your weed." And imagine reading all those old rules in Leviticus: Don’t work on the Sabbath, or you’ll get stoned... What better way to spend a lazy Sunday?

And just think of high-school students everywhere, confused by reading Shirley Jackson’s "The Lottery." It’s pretty tough to analyse the moral ambiguities of that story, when all the students are thinking that this is the greatest lottery ever. "Yeah man, and then the whole town votes, right? And then the winner gets stoned. Cool eh?"

And what is the solution proposed by these biblical scholars to this rampaging reefer-madness of misinterpretation? They replaced "stoned" with "stoned to death." Oh yeah… That’ll help.