Dishonourable Discharge...

Well, since I seem to be writing a lot about junk food lately, I might as well keep it up. There’s a new snack food on the market here in Karachi that’s being heavily marketed on sign boards, billboards, the works. Every single time I see the huge billboard on the way to work I start to chuckle. You see the thing is that the name of the product is "Choutooz."

Now, I’m not even sure that I can explain this one to all those of a Western Hemispheric persuasion. I’m not even sure I can explain this one delicately. In fact, I’m absolutely certain I cannot explain this delicately. But then again, I’m generally about as delicate as a freight train. So what the hell?

Ok, so "Chout" is pretty much Urdu slang for ahem… well let’s just be straight up and official and say it refers to female genitalia. For a moment there I thought I would dance around the issue, cloaked in innuendo, but I thought, ah screw it. Then I thought I would use the term "vagina" but I get strange enough Google hits as it is (oh….crap). Anyway, let’s just say it would be roughly the equivalent of using the most forbidden of the nasty four letter terms, as might be typified by my friend "Mike Hunt." And ooz, well ooz is just primordial isn’t it? Put it together, and you’ve got yourself one hell of a Filthy McNasty mental picture of this snack product. I don’t think I would wish it on anyone. In fact, if I saw someone eating this snack and said, "What ya got there?" and they said, "Choutooz," I would probably advise them to head to the clinic.

Anyway, this morning I noticed that Chootooz has a website. Well, that’s just too much to try to resist, so I decided to check it out. At www.choutoozfun.com I found myself confronted by 3 year old Aliyan from Karachi who has been awarded the dubious title of "Choutooz of the month." The company’s mission statement gives all the regular lines about being manufactured from quality ingredients and meeting all international hygienic standards. This kind of disclaimer is pretty common fare around these parts and just means that the ingredients aren’t mixed by two old guys stomping on them (or if they are, they wash their feet first). But then they give the odd statement that they "manufacture edible products, which can also be eaten by our own family kids and elders." I’m not even sure what to make of that.

I also discovered that they have a few flavour varieties of Choutooz. You’ve got Frisky Trisky which claims that "screw shaped will make u lick your fingers once you start eating and… ummmmmm you just cannot stop yourself." And apparently, they claim that your birthdays will not be complete without frisky trisky. With that, at least I agree.

Then you’ve got yourself Teetooz. I will refrain from the obvious comment. Instead I’ll just give you their own description: "Oooooooh these Teetooz will make your teeth excite. Piped shaped crazy potatoes make you go bonkers just try once and you are bound to it."

Another is called Crun Chips, and at this point, we really have to be asking ourselves exactly who is coming up with this stuff, just how demented they might be, and how they ever got into marketing. Here is how this particularly scintillating flavour is described: "Eat Crun Chips n bite your fingers. All the grown ups try once and you are addicted… It’s in these days so go for it." Now, I’m not sure exactly why Crun chips will make me eat my fingers, but it’s not something I’ve ever really been tempted to try.

Finally, they have Lollyooz, which I take to be a candy rather than a salty snack. In fact they describe it as "Yummy tasty head over a stick." I’m really finding it hard not to laugh out loud while I type this in my office. As if that isn’t enough, they go on to say that you should "use your head it’s yummy yummy lollypop. Science has proved that sucking is beneficial for your teeth and facial muscles so keep on doing." Sucking is beneficial for you facial muscles? And it’s been "proved" by "Science"? I know some people who will be glad to hear that…. mostly guys.

Okay, ok. I think that’s enough.

Choutooz… I can only shake my head.