Did you pack these bags yourself?...

Waiting in line to get my boarding passes etc at Jinnah International, I started reading the banned materials checklist. Now, I've seen these things a thousand times, but I guess I've never really looked at them, or else the Pakistani version is a little different. At the top, it says in big, bold letters, "NO! You cannot pack this in your baggage!" Then they have a picture of a big pile of forbidden materials like some kind of contraband collage. I'm sure you've all seen similar posters in airports araound the world. You've got your nail clippers and nail files, which of course, are forbidden because of the new breed of manicure terrorists, the metero-sexual al-Quaida: "You will all die, but believe me, you're going to look fabulous on impact." I don't know about you, but if some guy is holding up the flight attendant with a pair of nail clippers, then I'm going to jump into action. What's he gonna do? Poke her? Roughly push back her cuticles? That's when you'd see wild man Dave launch into action, because, after all, I tend to have a few pens with me, and everyone knows that the pen is mightier than the nail clipper. I even have one of thse Fisher Space Pens that the astronauts use, so if need be, I could stab a nail-file terrorist in zero-gravity conditions.

Anyway, also on the list are pressurized containers, like shaving cream and the like. Truth be told, I pack shaving cream all the time. It seems to me that if your shaving cream explodes in your luggage, it's not so much the airline's problem as it is your own dumbass fault. That's why God invented Zip-lock bags (or inspired some guy to do it).

Generally, I love the fact that front and centre on the poster they show a nasty looking pistol with an automatic ammo clip as something that they would prefer you not to pack. I'm sure that everyone that was intending to pack a gun, sees that sign and thinks, "Oh, I didn't realize that," hands the piece to their wife and heads through security.

But my favourites on that poster are the really odd ones. Like the 4 litre jug of bleach. Who travels with bleach? "But I just want to keep my whites whiter!" "Fair enough ma'am, fair enough" But my ultimate favourite is the example they use for corrosive materials: a full sized car-battery. I mean, come on! Is there any sense to this at all? Do rental car booths at the airport usually say "Avis Rent-a-Car - Batteries not included"?

Luckily though, hand-grenades weren't on the list, so I was safe.