Pigeon Porn...

Folks, I have seen the baby pigeons, and they are ugly.

For years I have heard people speculating on the very existence of baby pigeons. There are no shortage of adult pigeons, white-washing statues the world over, but where are all the youngins? I have even had some folks tell me that pigeons must be born in an adult state. I always thought that a more plausible solution might be that they build nests under the eaves of buildings and such, where it’s difficult for all these baby-pigeon enthusiasts to track them.

Nevertheless, to all of you who still dream of the day you might see the elusive baby pigeon, let me just say one thing: Consider yourself lucky. They are not worth the trouble. After my sister saw some baby hyenas and warthogs in Uganda, she developed a theory that "baby" anything must be cute. Well, let me tell ya, when it comes to pigeons, you can toss that theory right out the window.

You see, this all started a few months back, when I heard some strange noises coming from the bathroom. Now, my bathroom is often the source of many strange noises, but usually only when I’m in there, so I was curious. I found two large pigeons roosting on my bathroom window sill. Since that window stays open all the time (for obvious reasons), the birds had shored up in the cozy, albeit smelly, refuge. I had no real problem with sharing the space, except that I found it a little disconcerting when they stared at me while I peed.

Then I started observing some strange wildlife phenomena. One day I burst into the bathroom with some speed, which is not uncommon, and caught the pigeons in the midst of some kind of ritual… a pigeon dance of sorts. I was suspicious, but I had other things on my mind. Early the next week, I thought for sure I could hear strains of Barry White and Marvin Gaye music coming from the loo, but every time I threw open the door it would disappear.

Then one day, I decided that the flapping and cooing I was hearing from the next room had reached unacceptable levels. I grumbled to myself and strode quickly into the bathroom, catching those two avian exhibitionists red-handed in the act of pigeon-penetration. I have to say though, that I was fascinated. I couldn't look away. I had always wondered how our feathered friends went about making eggs, and now I had a window seat view. It was all very fast, furious and feathered, and seemed to conform to a position I can only describe as "Birdie-Style." Oblivious to my presence, they shared a peaceful cigarette, and I snuck politely from the room.

A few weeks later, what do you know, but the window ledge started filling up with random twigs and leaves. Hmmm, I thought to myself... Sure enough, it wasn’t long before two shiny, little eggs were nestled in amongst the rest of the trash in my window. Most of the time, the mamma pigeon was sitting on the eggs, so I couldn’t really see them, which is probably good, because they tended to make me hungry.

Finally, those little omelets cracked open to reveal the single most hideously revolting creatures I have ever encountered. The first time I saw them, I stumbled backward over my bathmat and almost knocked myself silly against the towel rack. Ugly duckling? No. Ugly is not the word. I’m not saying pigeons are the most beautiful birds in the world, but they might as well be Birds of Paradise compared to their babies. And to make matters worse, they stink, and living as they do in my bathroom, that’s saying something. They’re primordial, reptilian and scaly, with tufts of yellow feathers sticking out at random. Their heads look like a duck-billed dinosaur. Somewhere Darwin is smugly nodding and saying, "Ya see what I’m sayin’? Intelligent Design, my ass."

And so, now I have the Swiss Family Pigeon living in my bathroom window with their stinking, hideous offspring. I have no idea how long it will take these creatures to eveolve into normal birds, but I sure hope it's soon. Otherwise, I might just become overwelmed by their revolting presence, open the screen and push them out into the abyss...

Just kidding.... but I'm telling you, they're that ugly.