Pure Ivory Cheese...

I did a little research on Ivory Soap after my last post (notice I only looked into it after I wrote about it). So go read that post first...

Anyway, on Ivory's website I found the following text, which has me laughing out loud and has served to remind me why I hope never to write for the corporate world. I thought about just giving the highlights, but I think you have to read the whole thing. And to think, I try to be funny... presumably these guys aren't... Check it out:

The Ivory Story - What We Long For

Once upon a time there were no stressful events in the day. Life was pure and natural and the mild days just floated by. Everything was as it seemed. Time was spent with the people you loved and that love was pure. There was a wholesome quality of living.

Everyone has these memories, and often times the mind floats back to that time of its own accord. It is called Nostalgia. It is what we look back on and long to live again. This feeling has only been captured by one brand - - the only floating bar, the 99-44/100% pure ® bar, Ivory soap.

It stands for what you were, what you wanted to be and what you actually became. It gives you a positive feeling about your life and your accomplishments. It takes you back to when you were a child and bath time with that floating bar was about fun, not cleanliness. As surely as your mother shared this experience with you, you’ll share it with your children. Ivory is what links past generations. As precious as any family heirloom, it has been passed down from grandmothers to mothers to children since 1879.

For those brief moments when you or your children are bathing with Ivory, it cleans through -- through to your true self, through to what you believe in. More than that, Ivory believes in you. It is your mother’s voice over your shoulder telling you that you can do it. It allows for authenticity, for what your true identity stands for and security with that identity.

There is a time we all long for, a time we know we can never really return to. With Ivory, the gap is bridged. The purity, the mildness, the gentleness found everyday when using Ivory takes you back there briefly. Ivory believed in you then as it still does today. The only difference is, as an adult your appreciation for it has grown. It’s no longer just a fun bar that floats and is 99-44/100% pure. Ivory is what you want and what you need. For everyday use, Ivory is as pure, mild and gentle as you long to be again.

Man, those Proctor and Gamble folks are some sketchy bastards.

HAhahaha... as precious as any family heirloom... I guess that's why Grandma always kept that bar of soap in the China Cabinet. ...Cleans through to your true self... Man, this is too much.

Now I can succeed in life. Why? Because Ivory Soap believes in me.

God-Damn I hate Ivory Soap.

But at least I've figured it out... 99 44/100 % pure Bullshit.