Reality Bites...

The other night I watched the Grand Finale of "Out-Back Jack" (insert didgerydoo sounds here). I know that right now, everyone I know is saying, "What? How could Dave, the anti-reality show zealot, be watching such a show with such a ridiculous concept?" Well the answer folks, is that I got hooked. You know that someone is good at their job when they can get me to watch a show about spoiled Valley-girls sent to the Australian Outback to compete for Jack, the rugged, new millenia version of Crocodile Dundee, who just happens to have one of the most beautiful houses I’ve ever seen.

In truth, I am ashamed.

I remember reading an article in Newsweek back in ’99 about the dominance of Reality TV. (I bet there was an article on how the world was going to collapse during Y2K as well, which it didn’t, except for me, but that had less to do with faulty computer code, and more to do with the psycho I was dating.) I remember thinking, "Ha, Reality TV, that’ll never last."

But here we are. And in truth, I think we have to question the whole concept. "Reality" television – Is there anything real about it? As Jeff has often said, "I can’t count the number of times I’ve been offered a choice of 25 women and a million bucks over the course of six weeks." Yup, that’s a "real" dating scenario for you.

Now, the reason I got hooked into this latest spin on the exact same show, is that I started perfecting my prediction equations, and was consistently predicting who was getting kicked off each week. I’ve always wondered how much these things are set up, but now I’m sure that to a certain extent the whole thing must be a rig. So, the next time one of these dating shows comes on, here are some handy tips:

Dave’s Sure-Fire "Reality" Dating Prediction Methodology:

Ok, first, if there is someone that you are set up to hate or distrust, then there is no way that they won’t make it to the final. This is to ensure that you are hooked into watching until they get kicked off because you hate them so much. Next, about midway through the show’s run, decide on the girl that is cute and funny and generally the best pick, you know, the one who hasn’t insulted any of the other girls or anything. She will seem like she is always on the edge of being eliminated, but she will also make it through to the final. I presume that this makes for "good television" since it sets up a "good and evil" dichotomy. The final show will be edited in such a way that you think that the "Evil girl" will be picked, but then, in the end, the bachelor in question will make the right choice. Then, suddenly, a sunset will appear, and they will ride off into it to enjoy their two weeks of extravagant paid vacationing, until they break up in dramatic fashion, after discovering that they actually aren’t suited at all, and realize that maybe they should have thought of discussing politics or religion or who squeezes the tooth-paste from the middle of the tube before they agreed to get married on national television.